Today I went to take pictures of Bryan’s tools. As a mechanic for almost 15 years he had accumulated a vast amount. I thankfully have family who can keep his huge toolbox safe and inside. It’s been more than a year since I saw the box, and I’ve been dreading this day for days…and putting it off for months. My sister finally told me I needed to deal with it. The first moment I laid eyes on it it brought back so many memories. Bryan was his toolbox, it was such a huge part of his life. He was so proud of all that he was able to do with his hands and while it was a thorn in my side at times because he had a bit of a tool addiction I was also proud of all that he had accomplished with his hands.
For most of the two hours I was there I was able to keep myself from falling apart. I opened every drawer, opened every case and took pictures of everything I could. It dawned on me this evening that for most of those things Bryan was the last person to touch them.
It has been months since I was so close to something that reminded me of him so much. While I was working I began to feel numb. My mind and hands worked while my thoughts went blank. While I was driving home my entire body felt heavy, my mind blank, my heart empty. It was very much like the fog I lived in during the months after I lost him.
My sister called me while I was driving home to see how things had gone. She was thankfully already on her way to my place. Once I saw her I broke down. Pain so fresh and raw again….it was overwhelming.
She knew what I needed though. After I let out my pain I spent the rest of the day with my nieces, being able to enjoy their smiles, gurgles, and giggles. On the hardest days I’m glad I have my family to support me, prop me up, and point me in the right direction again.
I still feel a bit numb, a bit empty. I know grief isn’t a linear thing, it’s fluid…but days like today made me wish it was.