Broken

I am broken.  It has taken me over a year to see it.  I’ve known it, thought it, thought I was working on it….and then buried it deep deep inside of me.  It has taken going through a new relationship and hurting a great thoughtful man to finally see it.  For five months I thought I was happy.  I thought I was ready.  I thought I was done with grief.  Instead I buried my grief and focused on making my new relationship everything I had had with the love of my life and then some.  That was until I started waking up and staring at the back of his head and forcing myself to say “this isn’t Bryan”.  It took even longer to realize that all the “faults” I was seeing in our relationship were small issues and I was really trying to run from what I had created.  I’ve been alone for two weeks now.  It took me a few hours after I broke up with this nice caring man to realize that I had needed out because I can’t love him when I still fully love my husband.  And that I need to be alone to let myself grieve.  I tried to replace what I had because I missed it and needed it.

I hate myself for not seeing it sooner.  I know when you’re in pain you do things you wouldn’t normally.  I am not a person to hurt others.  I realize now that because I buried my grief I have allowed myself to be behind.  Yes, yes there’s no timeline for grief, but damn it if I had be working on healing myself, on making myself someone I can be proud of, instead of trying to simply replace what I had, I might be where I need to be now.

So instead of being mad at myself I’m going to learn from my mistake.  I am going to refocus on getting to know myself now.  I’m going to try to enjoy being alone, single, happy, and healthy.  I am also going to embrace the widow along with the pain.  I have to stop burying it and start allowing myself to feel every painful moment.  If I don’t I will find myself here again.

Unsettled

I had a friend just show me the light of my own feelings and I could not be more thankful. While I was traveling in Ireland all I wanted to do was be home. Don’t get me wrong I LOVED Ireland and had a heartfelt joyful time with my Dad, but I missed the rest of my family and my dog. I had thought that going away would help me not feel lonely, would help me focus my attention on something new…I was wrong. All it did was made me miss those people that I do have in my every day and of course made me miss Bryan even more. Dublin, Galway, Killarney, Cork…it all made me see Bryan. How can some place that he’s never been hold a part of him? The answer is simple of course, it’s me, I hold a part of him and I carry him with me every where. Part of me had hoped that I would be able to leave him memory in California….that being in a completely new setting would allow me to have a new adventure without him. I was wrong, completely wrong.

Now that I’m back I’m itching to leave again…anything to get away! This unsettled feeling continues to grow in me and I didn’t realize why. As a friend pointed out this is truly the first time since December that I have had time to just be. No work, no moving, no schedule….just nothing. Instead of allowing myself this time to feel and think about how much my life has changed and is continuing to change I’m trying to run away. I know it’s a cooping mechanism and one that I need to not use because when else might I get this time to re-evlaute the choices that I have made in the last few months. Yes, the thought of really giving myself the time to think through my tragedy is scary. I’ve spent so much of my time trying to fill the void with anything and everything just so I DON’T have to feel what I’m feeling…can I finally let myself do it without falling off the deep end? I think I owe it to myself to try to…and trust in my loved ones to bring me back if I do end up falling down.